Vodka btw. We've got a bottle of Smirnoff ready and waiting.
We're obviously just in it for the fun though because, as usual, the UK stand absolutely no chance of winning. I know we shouldn't tempt fate but the UK famously hasn't won the contest since 1997 and we haven't even got on the left side of the board since 2009 so our chances are pretty low. It doesn't stop us making an effort every year though. Not always a good effort but an effort all the same. God loves a trier etc.
This year's entry is from the imaginatively titled Joe & Jake, previously seen on the 2015 series of The Voice UK as solo singers. They made pals and decided to become a duo after the show ended.
2016. Joe & Jake - You're Not Alone
You're Not Alone, is inoffensive and quite One Direction-y. The video also features a flashing light backdrop which we are hoping will be replicated - along with a glitter canon - for the performance on the night. Not the worst effort.
2015. Electro Velvet - Still In Love With You (5 points)
This song is, by all means, atrocious but it's annoyingly catchy and we despise ourselves for still humming the chorus. The lyrics are, however, completely abysmal.
2014. Molly - Children Of The Universe (40 points)
We really liked this entry. It sounded like an actual single and not just a we-need-something-for-Eurovision desperate attempt. It's all very ethereal with the drums and Enya style wailing at the start so we were surprised it didn't fair better.
2013. Bonnie Tyler - Believe In Me (23 points)
It's not the shouty Bonnie power ballad of the 80's we're all used to but it was passable. At the contest Bonnie just looked pleased to have a night out. We are also totally living for the fringed boots she's sporting in the video.
2012. Engelbert Humperdink - Love Will Set You Free (12 points)
God love him but this was just horrific. This was the second year the UK had tried to revive a dwindling career with Eurovision. It didn't work for Blue in 2011 and certainly didn't work for Engelbert.
2011. Blue - I Can (100 points)
The autotune at the start was ill thought out but once the chorus kicks in this a passable pop song. It's by no means one of Blue's best songs but it's not awful. Fun fact: as of 2015 all four members of Blue have declared themselves bankrupt.
2010. Josh Dubovie - That Sounds Good To Me (10 points)
This song has absolutely zero redeeming qualities. It sounds like an A1 album track from 2001 and the singer is remarkably similar to Fame Academy winner, David Sneddon. These aren't necessarily bad points but when put together with Pete Waterman it is the stuff of nightmares.
2009. Jade Ewen - It's My Time (173 points)
A pre-Sugababe Jade Ewen was chosen by the public to represent the UK with this Andrew Lloyd Webber penned ballad. They pulled in all the theatrical bigwigs for the night with the Lord Lloyd Webber himself on piano and Arlene Phillips choreographing the whole affair. We love us a big ballad over here at Pop Kulture so we were all for this entry.
2008. Andy Abraham - Even If (14 points)
Andy 'The Binman' Abraham who came second to Shayne Ward in The X Factor took on Eurovision in 2008 and eh...didn't win that either. The song isn't awful it just sounds very dated and like the kind of thing your mum would dance to at a wedding.
2007. Scooch - Flying The Flag (19 points)
The best UK Eurovision entry since Gina G. Malta gave this the maximum 12 points so they're clearly a country of spectacular taste.
2006. Daz Sampson - Teenage Life (25 points)
Clearly a failed member of Blazin' Squad, Daz's effort was a refreshing entry as it was so totally different to the tried and tested and, more often than not, failed pop songs and ballads usually dragged out for Eurovision. Not that it would have mattered because the rest of Europe still hadn't forgiven us for Jemini (or our politics) by this point. We do hope the four backing singers went on to have thriving careers in musical theatre.
We wish Joe & Jake all the best for Saturday night but we're really rooting for Pop Kulture favourite, Nicky Byrne who's representing Ireland this year. We can't to see Michael Flatley come out of retirement for the interval slot in 2017.
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